All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 11Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).

littledoggies.wav(133K) littledoggies.mp3(133K)

Mike Donnelly (Chris Farley): "Time to go home now, little doggies. Nothing for you in this truck. No food. Dogs, I want you to go home. Get off my bumper! Come on!"

getoffmybumper.wav(36K) getoffmybumper.mp3(36K)

Mike: "Get off my bumper! Come on!"

truckisinheat.wav(68K) truckisinheat.mp3(68K)

Mike: "What is with you dogs?! Do you think this truck is in heat or something?!"

marqueedoinghere.wav(29K) marqueedoinghere.mp3(29K)

Mike: "What the hell is a marquee doing here? It's crazy."

hadadoozy.wav(247K) hadadoozy.mp3(247K)

Mike: "Hell, every guy's got his dream. Am I right? Between you, me and the wall, I had a doozy myself last night. Get this, a corn-fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasent woman, whips, chains, whistles, yo-yo-, a circus midget, my grandmother riding by on a bicycle giving me the finger, and a duck. Now, I don't know-- Are you crying?"

brokemynose.wav(110K) brokemynose.mp3(110K)

Mike: "Ow! You broke my nose! Oh! There's so much blood!"
Scott Colleary (Michael Patrick Carter): "Mr. Donnelly, I swear! I did not mean to do it, please! Oh my--"
Mike: "Ketchup packet."

labelyourstreets.wav(52K) labelyourstreets.mp3(52K)

Steve Dodds (David Spade): "Oh, come on. Lable your streets, like the rest of the country."

intodust.wav(83K) intodust.mp3(83K)

Steve: "Buddy, are you okay?"
Drake Sabitch (Gary Busey): "I'm not that far from dragging you out of the car and beating you into dust."
Steve: "You should work up to that. Kind of leaves you no where to go."

haulmajorass.wav(60K) haulmajorass.mp3(60K)

Mike: "Whoa! Nitrous oxide boosters. This thing must haul major ass."

popthehood.wav(258K) popthehood.mp3(258K)

Mike: "Ahhhhh!"
Steve: "Do you have to go to the bathroom?"
Mike: "Please pop the hood. Please."
Steve: "Oh, your thumbs. The hood. Okay. Wha-Wh-What latch? Where do you want me to, uh--"
Mike: "Just pop the hood! Please!"
Steve: "Popping the hood."
Mike: "Ahhhhh!"

allhoppedup.wav(85K) allhoppedup.mp3(85K)

Mike: "Help, please."
Elderly Man (Drew Wilson): "He must be all hopped up on crack cocaine."
Elderly Woman (Jean Speegle Howard): "Floor it, Harold!"

doalittledance.wav(77K) doalittledance.mp3(77K)

Mike: "Smokin', snortin', shootin', suckin', tokin', poppin', droppin'. Let's do a little dance."

bunkbeds.wav(65K) bunkbeds.mp3(65K)

Mike: "Alright, bunk beds. I got dibs on top."
Steve: "Okay."

touchit.wav(100K) touchit.mp3(100K)

Steve: "Touch it."
Mike: "What? You touch it."
Steve: "You afraid?"
Mike: "No, I'll touch it."
Steve: "You totally didn't touch it."
Mike: "Well, then you touch it."

ozzyosbourne.wav(30K) ozzyosbourne.mp3(30K)

Steve: "Ah! What is that?"
Mike: "It's Ozzy Osbourne."

gonnagetrabies.wav(35K) gonnagetrabies.mp3(35K)

Mike: "It bit me! I'm gonna get rabies!"

imstuck.wav(26K) imstuck.mp3(26K)

Mike: "Ah! I'm stuck! I'm stuck!"

comeon.wav(13K) comeon.mp3(13K)

Mike: "Come on!"

attractedtolight.wav(151K) attractedtolight.mp3(151K)

Mike: "I got an idea, okay? I'll open the fridge, you hit the lights. Bats are attracted to light. It'll fly in the fridge, I close the door, end of story."
Steve: "That's moths, you dumb-ass, not bats."
Mike: "Oh, yeah. Moths."

cantcatchabat.wav(83K) cantcatchabat.mp3(83K)

Mike: "You idiot! You can't catch a bat with a pot, moron. You take a mop and a broom..."

youidiot.wav(11K) youidiot.mp3(11K)

Mike: "You idiot!"

whyareyouhittingme.wav(232K) whyareyouhittingme.mp3(232K)

Mike: "Oh, get this this off me! What the hell are you-- Ow! Ow! Why are you hitting me? Ow! It's gnawing at my skull! For God's sakes! Ow!"
Steve: "Die! Die!"
Mike: "You're aggravating it! Stop it."
Steve: "Die!"
Mike: "Why are you kicking me?"

scienceexperiment.wav(69K) scienceexperiment.mp3(69K)

Gov. Tracy (Christine Ebersole): "Neuschwender, are you finished stirring that drink or is this some kind of bleeping science experiment?"

commonbackbone.wav(113K) commonbackbone.mp3(113K)

Gov. Tracy: "Now, I realize that you must stick close together because you share a common bleepdamn backbone but I wanna see some movement! ...Now!"

commonbackbone2.wav(113K) commonbackbone2.mp3(113K)

Gov. Tracy: "Now, I realize that you must stick close together because you share a common backbone but I wanna see some movement! ...Now!"

thanksfornot.wav(31K) thanksfornot.mp3(31K)

Steve: "Thanks for not shoving the nozzel up my ass first!"

littleroots.wav(64K) littleroots.mp3(64K)

Mike: "Oh, thank you, little roots. Please stay strong."

allabout.wav(34K) allabout.mp3(34K)

Mike: "What in the hell was that all about?!"

armgrabsnapkick.wav(252K) armgrabsnapkick.mp3(252K)

Steve: "Yeah? Well, you little freaks better be careful 'cause next time I don't go down so easy. Next time I'm gonna be like, 'Oh, you wanna spray me? How about this?' Arm grab! Snap kick! Side kick! Rabbit punch! Rabbit punch into pile driver! That's right, my friend. It's a pile driver! Oh, who else wants some? You? Sleeper hold! Oh, yeah."

isaidcrud.wav(238K) isaidcrud.mp3(238K)

Mike: "Whoa, what happened to you? You fall into some mud or something?"
Steve: "Yeah, I did. And I'm gonna be rich because I'm the only person on Earth who knows where you can find white mud."
Mike: "I didn't say mud. I said crud. You fall into some crud or something? Let's get some water to wipe off that crud."
Steve: "Come on, Mike, I'm not one of your eight year olds that's gonna believe that."
Mike: "Shut up, Steve."

onelookedatme.wav(184K) onelookedatme.mp3(184K)

Mike: "You can't keep running away from things. You gotta be tough. Aaahhhhh! Aaahhhhhh! Snakes! Oh, no! One looked at me! Good god, check your underpants! I hate those things!"

ihatesnakes.wav(18K) ihatesnakes.mp3(18K)

Mike: "I hate snakes!"

checkers.wav(224K) checkers.mp3(224K)

Steve: "This is great. I've never won three games in a row. I hardly ever play checkers."
Mike: "Yeah, yeah. Well, you know it's, uh, it's kind of easy to win when you, uh... never move your back row ever! God! Come on."

thisisfun.wav(269K) thisisfun.mp3(269K)

Steve: "Where would you want me to move this one?"
Mike: "There. King me! Okay, move this one here. I's safe, I swear. It's safe. That wasn't safe at all. What an idiot! Oh, this is fun."
Steve: "Yeah, yeah, it was."

thathappen.wav(19K) thathappen.mp3(19K)

Steve: "How the hell did that happen?"

thisplaceistrashed.wav(24K) thisplaceistrashed.mp3(24K)

Mike: "This place is trashed!"

imjustdandy.wav(137K) imjustdandy.mp3(137K)

Steve: "You okay?"
Mike: "I'm just dandy! I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants!"
Steve: "We didn't have any pudding in there, buddy."

thissucks.wav(11K) thissucks.mp3(11K)

Mike: "This sucks!"

shutup.wav(11K) shutup.mp3(11K)

Mike: "Shut up!"

shutup2.wav(13K) shutup2.mp3(13K)

Mike: "Shut up!"

thisquadrant.wav(111K) thisquadrant.mp3(111K)

Mike: "Okeydokey. Come on. Son, I'd like you to step away from this vector and get into a different coordinate pronto. There's no access for you in this quadrant."

twistoffyourhead.wav(164K) twistoffyourhead.mp3(164K)

Mike: "Young fella, I'm gonna twist off your head and spike it onto the floors of a nightmare you can't even imagine! I will dance with you inside of a six-sided ring of fire unless you move from this area far and fast! Now!"

touchthestuff.wav(186K) touchthestuff.mp3(186K)

Mike: "Oh, no thanks. I never touch the stuff. Theres enough in the air here to get everybody high. Besides, it gives you the munchies. God knows I don't need that. Yey! But, uh--"

rectumkilledhim.wav(70K) rectumkilledhim.mp3(70K)

Mike: "So he says, 'Rectum? Damn near killed him.'"

imthemanwhitey.wav(313K) imthemanwhitey.mp3(313K)

Mike: "So anyway, what you're saying, I'm the man, whitey and you guys are the victims of a tyrannical, racist, oppressive society."
Rastafarians: "That's right."
Mike: "Man, that sucks!"
Rastafarians: "Sucks, true."
Mike: "I'm gonna talk to some people, straighten this out, man."
Rastafarians: "Alright!"
Mike: "It's a bunch of bullcrap!"

manthatsucks.wav(22K) manthatsucks.mp3(22K)

Mike: "Man, that sucks!"

kickassBLEEP.wav(26K) kickassBLEEP.mp3(26K)

Mike: "You got some kick-ass bleep!"

righttovote.wav(60K) righttovote.mp3(60K)

Mike: "You gotta fight for your right to vote!"

1giantihaveadream.wav(97K) 1giantihaveadream.mp3(97K)

Mike: "That's one small step for man, one giant... I have a dream!"

yeahroar.wav(31K) yeahroar.mp3(31K)

Mike: "(Yeah roar)"

powertothepeople.wav(37K) powertothepeople.mp3(37K)

Mike: "Power to the people!"

killwhitey.wav(88K) killwhitey.mp3(88K)

Mike: "Kill whitey!"
Rastafarian: "No, no no."

dontagreewithme.wav(100K) dontagreewithme.mp3(100K)

Steve: "Are you or are you not the black angel of death?"
Mike: "Without question."
Steve: "Don't agree with me. It just pisses me off more."

startfilming.wav(33K) startfilming.mp3(33K)

Mike: "Ready to start filming, Mr. Stone."

leatherchuckyjan.wav(56K) leatherchuckyjan.mp3(56K)

Steve: "My god, this guy is like, Leatheface, Chucky, and Jan Brady all rolled into one."

takeasqueege.wav(20K) takeasqueege.mp3(20K)

Steve: "I'm gonna go take a squeege."

whotoldyouthat.wav(365K) whotoldyouthat.mp3(365K)

Drake: "You're in the wrong zone, soldier boy. What the hell are you doing in my parameter?"
Steve: "Um, sir, I'm not a soldier. And I don't know if you read in USA Today last week, but the war's over. You can punch out now. Uh, move on. Let it go."
Drake: "Who told you that?"
Steve: "Charlie. Um, I just talked to Charlie, and he's not mad at you anymore. So, let's call off Operation One Of Us Is Crazy and go our seperate ways."
Drake: "Don't get smart with me!"

thewrongzone.wav(52K) thewrongzone.mp3(52K)

Drake: "You're in the wrong zone, soldier boy. What the hell are you doing in my parameter?"

dispatchyou.wav(78K) dispatchyou.mp3(78K)

Drake: "If you don't tell me who sent you on this mission I'm easily within my legal rights to dispatch you with extreme prejudice."

heresmyapology.wav(438K) heresmyapology.mp3(438K)

Steve: "Sir, honestly, I just came back to get my rent-a-car and an apology and if I could get that, I will gladly leave your coordinates here."
Drake: "Oh, the car? Is that all?"
Steve: "That's all."
Drake: "Well, why didn't you tell me? Here's the keys."
Steve: "Oh, thank you."
Drake: "And here's my apology. (He shoots the tires out.)"

yourcortex.wav(72K) yourcortex.mp3(72K)

Drake: "I can splatter your cortex or I can explode your heart. Which sounds quicker to you?"
Steve: "That's a toughie."

bruceleemovies.wav(52K) bruceleemovies.mp3(52K)

Mike: "Drake, you ever watch any Bruce Lee movies?"
Drake: "I've got every one of 'em on laser disc."

callmecash.wav(66K) callmecash.mp3(66K)

Gov. Tracy: "Now you'll have to tell me your name so I know who to make the check out to."
Clyde Spinoza (Boyd Banks): "My best friends call me Cash."

abusemypower.wav(100K) abusemypower.mp3(100K)

Mike: "Okay, people. Coming through. Official police business. I want you to step lively. Do not make me abouse my power."

chunkedinmypants.wav(56K) chunkedinmypants.mp3(56K)

Mike: "What the hell was that?"
Steve: "A chunk of the road or something."
Mike: "I just chunked in my pants."

thatbug.wav(402K) thatbug.mp3(402K)

Steve: "Oh! Whoa, you see that bug smack the windshield?"
Mike: "Oh, man. I'll get it. Here. (He flips on the siren) Where is the frickin' thing? They've got, like, levers galore in this thing. There it is."
Steve: "Man, that was weird. That bug was coming at me. I totally connected eyes with him. And he was in slow motion going 'I can't stop! Don't wanna! Aye!' Oh, man, that was wild. It was so wierd. He's coming, he's going, 'My life's good. I'm alive, alive, alive, alive, Dead!"

roadsroads.wav(361K) roadsroads.mp3(361K)

Steve: "But this map is heavy. It's got all those robes on it. Roagues? Vroods? How come I can't-- I can't say that word."
Mike: "Roads."
Steve: "Rowads. Rowads. That's a total wierd word, isn't it?"
Mike: "That is a freaky word. Very, very freaky."

imstonedsoareyou.wav(438K) imstonedsoareyou.mp3(438K)

Mike: "(laughing uncontrollably) I'm stoned. So are you."
Steve: "Rowads."
Mike: "Damnit! The nitrous oxide's leaking into the car! Oh man! Oh, we gotta-- We gotta maintain."
Steve: "I just think you drive the speed limit, we're gonna be cool."
Mike: "Alright, everything's cool. I'll just go the speed limit. Limit. Limit. Li-- That's another one of those freaky words."
Steve: "Limit. (A siren goes off behind them.) Did you turn the siren on?"
Mike: "Dude, I couldn't even find the glove compartment in this thing."

fastyouweregoing.wav(460K) fastyouweregoing.mp3(460K)

Mike: "How ya doin' buddy? Transporting a prisoner. 12th precinct up in Buckley Town. My sarge didn't give me any overtime, so I'm was trying to do it lickedy split."
Motorcycle Cop (David St. James): "Tell me, officer, do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
Mike: "Well, I got a 426 Hemi in her, Three-quarter cams, nitro boosters, I can get 'er up to as good as 155! Never do, though, of course, unless I'm chasing a cute chick in a Ferrari! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! I guess I was goin' about 65, tops."
Motorcycle Cop: "Seven. Seven miles an hour! And normally, when I stop people, they pull onto the shoulder! (He's in the median)"

quietbackthere.wav(219K) quietbackthere.mp3(219K)

Motorcycle Cop: "Now, I don't know how you do things up in Buckley Town, but down here we are protective of the other drivers on the roads."
Steve: "Rowads. roods."
Mike: "Quiet back there! I've taken enough guff from you for one day. Raving psycho. Buchered 400 chickens and screwed a beagle. Taking him back to Nevada where he's wanted for banging horses."

meoffjack.wav(100K) meoffjack.mp3(100K)

Motorcycle Cop: "Can you get him through this state a little faster than seven miles an hour, officer...?"
Mike: "Uh, Meoff, Jack."

whatagoon.wav(17K) whatagoon.mp3(17K)

Steve: "What a goon!"

whooohBLEEP.wav(41K) whooohBLEEP.mp3(41K)

Mike: "Whoo! (Siren) Oh bleep!"

seeya.wav(17K) seeya.mp3(17K)

Mike: "See ya!"

makeachoice.wav(142K) makeachoice.mp3(142K)

Al Donnelly (Tim Matheson): "Roger, did it ever occur to you there is a time when family might be more important than career?"
Roger Kovary (Timothy Carhart): "Ever occur to you that at some point you're gonna have to make a choice between me and that loser brother of yours? (Screeches to a stop and he kicks him out of the Limo)"

steveimin.wav(29K) steveimin.mp3(29K)

Mike: "Steve, I'm in!"

schoolbus.wav(80K) schoolbus.mp3(80K)

Mike: "Where the hell's Drake, man? He's supposed to be here."
Steve: "I'm surprised we can't count on a guy that lives in a school bus surrounded by land mines."

holyBLEEP.wav(122K) holyBLEEP.mp3(122K)

Gov. Tracy: "The voters have spoken. And I have heard their message loud and clear. And that message is-- Holy bleep!"

horsespatoot.wav(61K) horsespatoot.mp3(61K)

Mike: "Hi, there. Hi. I feel like a horse's patoot."

imalrightimokay.wav(77K) imalrightimokay.mp3(77K)

Mike: "I'm alright. I'm okay. Ah! Give me a minute. Give me a minute. I'll be fine."

stevedoddsgetsit.wav(172K) stevedoddsgetsit.mp3(172K)

Mike: "Nobody move, or Steve Dodds gets it!"
Police Woman (Michelle Burkette): "Who?"
Steve: "Steve Dodds!"
Police Woman: "Who's this guy?"
Mike: "Come on!"
Steve: "From the Donnelly campaign. What does it matter? He's got a gun! You're a cop!"
Mike: "Get over here! I'll kill him! I'll kill him!"

takenout.wav(24K) takenout.mp3(24K)

Gov. Tracy: "I want that bleephole taken out!"

everybodybackup.wav(145K) everybodybackup.mp3(145K)

Mike: "Everybody back up, or I blow the pipsqueak's head off! I've got something to say!"
Steve: "Please listen to him! Do what he says! I have children, Tommy and Sally, I--"
Mike: "Shut up!"
Steve: "Alright."

seriousbusiness.wav(53K) seriousbusiness.mp3(53K)

Mike: "Okay, listen up! This is serious business!"

allbeenscrewed.wav(155K) allbeenscrewed.mp3(155K)

Mike: "We've all been screwed by Gov. Tracy! And now, I'm gonna screw her! (The croud gasps) I mean, I have evidence here that you need to know about now before it's too late."

isntthatstevedodds.wav(15K) isntthatstevedodds.mp3(15K)

Al: "Isn't that Steve Dodds?"

gameover.wav(42K) gameover.mp3(42K)

Steve: "That's it, game over. I'm not even getting paid for this."

mrthundermaker.wav(101K) mrthundermaker.mp3(101K)

Drake: "Mr. Thundermaker here is gonna start barking fire if you don't stop moving and listen to what this young man has to say. Go ahead, Mike. Clear."

holdyourtongue.wav(13K) holdyourtongue.mp3(13K)

Drake: "Hold your tongue, wench."

restinpiecessir.wav(126K) restinpiecessir.mp3(126K)

Drake: "The fact is, Winston Sabitch was killed in the Argonne Forest in 1918. A zeppelin landed on his head, smashing his head clean out of his ass. That's my granddad. Rest in pieces, sir."

getitrightmoron.wav(12K) getitrightmoron.mp3(12K)

Mike: "Get it right, moron."