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Doug Reemer (Matt Stone): "Oh, one of Brittanys' moms' pubic hairs."

Reemer: "That sucks dude."
Joe Cooper (Trey Parker): "Dude, I'm telling you, its jobs. We gotta get jobs, then we get the khakies, then we get chicks."

Squeak Scolari (Dian Bachar): "Dude, that is so bleeping weak. How am I supposed to get a chick in that?"
Coop: "Ah, don't worry dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill sticking out of your zipper."
Squeak: "Yes I could."
Remer: "No dude, you're a little bitch."
Squeak: "No I'm not."

Squeak: "bleep damnit man! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times, I'm out of here."

Ted Denslow (Ernest Borgnine): "Haven't you ever wanted to be a sports hero?"
Coop: "Sure once, but that was a long time ago."

Denslow: "(singing) I'm too sexy my shirt, too sexy my shirt, so sexy it hurts."

Coop: "How to speak San Franciscan, (pulls down squeaks' shorts) vagina."

Joey (Trevor Einhorn): "Chelsea Clinton."
Coop: "That's a pretty tall order dude. You'd have a better shot a Bill."

Coop: "Lived damnit live!"
Squeak: "What the hell of are you doing?"
Coop: "Where are those little heart paddle thingies George Clooney uses?"

Remer: "Coop, do you know what you are doing?"
Coop: "what does it look like?"
Remer: "An execution?"
Coop: "Damnit man, I'm trying to save an innocent life."
Remer: "I'm giving her all I've got captain."
Coop: "I love you, I always have. (both laugh)"

Coop: "thinks a lot Dr. dickhead you totally bleeped me there."

Coop: "I'm doing the happy dance, I'm doing the happy dance. (while dancing)"

Baxter Cain (Robert Vaughn): "when I see one of BASEketballs' hottest stars with less than 20 dollars in his pocket, driving an American car, and sharing his small house with two other guys, you know what that says to me?"
Remer: "Homos?"

Al Michaels: "those cheers your hearing, from the nearly 15,000 on hand here for anal probe night."

Remer: "Alright dude, listen to me carefully. Do you think Shaq got rich playing in Orlando?"
Coop: "No, he got rich playing in college, everybody knows that."

Coop: "Dude, I'm not going to cave in, end of story dude."
Remer: "Dude."
Coop: "Dude."
Remer: "Dude."
Coop: "Dude."
Remer: "Dude."
Coop: "Dude."
Remer: "Dude."
Coop: "Dude."
Remer: "Dude."
Coop: "Well I guess you've got a point there."

Coop: "That's him Squeak, that's Tuttle."
Remer: "He's been talking some serious bleep about you all night."
Coop: "Yeah, he told everyone that he caught you jacking off in the bathroom before the game."
Squeak: "He saw that?"

Al Michaels: "No daddy, don't touch me there."

Coop: "oh, now you're such a big shot going to act in a big Hollywood movie? Sellout."

Remer: "What's that?"
Coop: "It is a commitment ring."
Remer: "What, for Jenna?"
Coop: "Yes, I'm letting her know that I'm ready to consider thinking about dating her exclusively."
Remer: "well I'm giving Jenna a precommitment ring. its a promise to pledge that we'll think about getting engaged just as soon as we are ready to make a commitment."

Coop: "Oh sorry, I forgot how much Doug Remer cares for the kids"

Jenna Reed (Yasmine Bleeth): "Their little lives are ruined and the only thing you can do is argue about who has the bigger penis, I mean child, long wanger, throbbing cock, Oh!"

Coop: "can I talked you over here please?"
Remer: "Um huh."
Coop: "You know something Pigbleeper, can I call you Pigbleeper?"
Remer: "No, only my friends can call me Pigbleeper."

Coop: "so go ahead, go back to your fancy cars, any your big bank accounts, and your celebrity friends, and your beautiful women, and Victoria Silvstedtto playmate of the year. bleep!"

Trey Parker: "The song about Coop when he is driving around and decides to fix his life."

Remer: "well, I don't know where the hell he is. for all I care he could be hanging by his neck in his bleeping closet."
Robert Stack: "Scenario No. 1, he is hanging by his neck in his bleeping closet."

Jenna: "if you're looking for Joe Cooper, I suggest you look where every you find the most heinous, blatant, and vile exploitation of children on the planet."
Robert Stack: "Scenario No. 2, Coop went to Disneyland."

Coop: "Hey Grunsky, are you losing weight? Hey you guys seriously, I'm bleeping fat. Seriously guys I'm bleeping fat as bleep."

Bob Costas: "You're exciting, feel these nipples!"

Robert Stack: "Update, we still have no bleeping clue where this guy is."

Reggie Jackson: "I've got the two home run balls I hit in the World Series. Some wretched little bleep got the third one."