All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 11Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).

armrest.wav(45K) armrest.mp3(45K)

Dr. Buddy Rydell (Jack Nicholson): "You're on my side of the armrest. We're not gonna have problems are we?"

jockeys.wav(43K) jockeys.mp3(43K)

Buddy: "Oh a, I'm wetting my jockeys here!"

breastimplants.wav(40K) breastimplants.mp3(40K)

Buddy: "What is your position on breast implants?"

headset.wav(113K) headset.mp3(113K)

Buddy: "Where's Your headset?"
Dave Buznik (Adam Sandler): "She's busy right now, but it's coming."
Buddy: "For crying out loud you're missing important plot points."

calmdown.wav(636K) calmdown.mp3(636K)

Dave: "Uh excuse me, could I mayby get that headset please?"
Flight Attendant (Nancy Walls): "Do not raise your voice to me sir."
Dave: "I wasn't raising my voice."
Flight Attendant: "Ok, just calm down."
Dave: "I am calm, I just want my headset."
Flight Attendant: "Sir, our country is going through a very difficult time right now. And if you're not going to cooperate..."
Dave: "I don't know where a headset ties into patriotism."
Air Marshal (Isaac C. Singleton Jr.): "Is there a problem here sir?"
Dave: "I... I don't think so."
Air Marshal: "Can you come to the back of the plane with me sir so we can have a talk?"
Dave: "A talk about what? There's not a problem here. The stewardess just keeps..."
Air Marshal: "Flight attendant."
Dave: "The flight attendant keeps ignoring me when I ask..."
Air Marshal: "Calm down!"
Dave: "I am calm. What is it with you people?"
Air Marshal: "You people?"
Dave: "Oh now wait a minute, I don't mean you people I mean you people."
Air Marshal: "Sir, I will not tolerate any racist behavior on the plane. This is a very difficult time for our country."
Dave: "I know that. I'm not a racist. I just want to watch the movie."
Air Marshal: "I'm only going to say this one more time sir. Calm down!"
Dave: "I'm calm!"
Air Marshal: "(shock him with a stun gun.)"

notguilty.wav(129K) notguilty.mp3(129K)

Dave: "What do you think?"
Dave's Lawyer Sam (Keven Nealon): "Oh, not guilty. It's a no brainer."
Judge Brenda Daniels (Lynne Thigpen): "Mr. Buznik, in case 723 assult and battery against a flight attendant, I find you guilty."

bobbyknight.wav(245K) bobbyknight.mp3(245K)

Dave: "Oh my goodness, Bobby Knight. You're in this group?"
Bobby Knight (Himself): "Well yeah, this is my first day."
Dave: "This is my first day also."
Bobby Knight: "I hope this class cures me."
Dave: "Working on the anger problem?"
Bobby Knight: "Anger, isn't this sexaholics annonymous?"
Dave: "Oh, no I think that's down the hall."
Bobby Knight: "Well the hell mith this, I'm going home!"

dontgothere.wav(409K) dontgothere.mp3(409K)

Lou (Luis Guzzman): "So my boss, he was talking to me about how many sick days I've taken. And I was like, you know, don't go there, you know. But, he kept on about wanting to see some kind of a doctor's note or something. And I said, look I'm seriously serious. You don't want to go there! But, he kept talking and talking and being such a nag. And then I just blacked out. I blacked out. And when I woke up, I was standing over him. And I was screaming, I told you not to go there! I told you not to go there!"
Buddy: "Well, how do you think you handled that situation?"
Lou: "Uh, not as well as I could've"

liar.wav(207K) liar.mp3(207K)

Dave: "I didn't beat anyone. I touched a woman. I just..."
Chuck (John Turturo): "Liar, bullbleepter, you're a woman beater! And you can't admit it because you're a deluded piece of garbage."
Dave: "I don' know about all that but, now I understand why you're here."
Chuck: "I'm here because I was verbally attacked by my neighbor, and I took a dump on his porch."

hereweare.wav(404K) hereweare.mp3(404K)

Stacy (Krista Allen): "Ok um well, we're in the adult film industry."
Gina (January Jones): "And we're lovers."
Stacy: "Yeah, one day, Gina was having sex with this phillipino guy Milo, which was totally cool cause it was in the script."
Dave: "Sure."
Gina: "And then I asked Milo back to the house with us, which is cool because we like a little variety."
Chuck: "Variety is good."
Stacy: "So anyway, in the middle of our session, I look up and I see Gina kissing Milo on the mouth, which is totally not cool, because it completely violates our threesome code of ethics."
Gina: "So, stacy bit my toe off."
Stacy: "Yeah, and then Milo freaks out and calls me a crazy skank."
Gina: "And nobody talks to my bitch that way."
Stacy: "That's right."
Gina: "So, I stapled his lips shut."
Stacy: "And here we are."

sixers.wav(334K) sixers.mp3(334K)

Buddy: "Nate, didn't we decide that you shouldn,t liston to the game?"
Nate (Jonathan Loughran): "Don't worry Mr. B., it's just a regular season game, not that important. See, Iverson just missed a layup at the buzzer, Sixers loose. Who gives a crap huh? I mean it's just a silly game anyways. The anger sharks are swimming in my head. You gotta dunk that bleep! You gotta dunk that bleep!"

goosfraba.wav(550K) goosfraba.mp3(550K)

Buddy: "Lisotn to me, liston to me, stay with me Nate. Now repeat after me. Goosfraba"
Nate: "Goos blah blah."
Buddy: "Not not not blah blah Nate. Goosfraba."
Nate: "Goosfraba."
Buddy: "That's better. Slower."
Nate: "Goosfraba."
Buddy: "Ah, how do you feel?"
Nate: "Better."

eskimos.wav(42K) eskimos.mp3(42K)

Lou: "Eskiwos seem nice."
Stacy and Gina: "Yeah, they do."
Chuck: "I think eskimos are smug."

bothnuts.wav(39K) bothnuts.mp3(39K)

Chuck: "What, you think you're better than me, cause you got both your nuts?"

notchuck.wav(147K) notchuck.mp3(147K)

Dave: "No no no, not Chuck. Gimmie Bobby Knight or the porno girls."
Chuck: "Hey, heard we're partnering up huh? Here's my number."
Dave: "Oh, great. You're gonna die bitch."
Chuck: "Oops, that's a letter I'm writing to Geraldo Rivera."
Dave: "I see."
Chuck: "My bad."

badmood.wav(333K) badmood.mp3(333K)

Chuck: "I'm in a... I'm in a bad mood Dave, a bad mood, a very bad mood. I was fired from my ice cream truck today, no more fugicles."
Linda (Marissa Tomei): "What's an anger ally?"
Chuck: "Who's that? She making fun of me?"
Dave: "Nooo. That's my gilrfriend."
Chuck: "You tell her to put a sock in it, alright, cause I need to talk to you right now!"
Dave: "We're a little bit busy right now Chuck."
Chuck: "Are you busy? We're all busy, ok. You come down here before the black wolf swallows my brain! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

waitress.wav(40K) waitress.mp3(40K)

Chuck: "Miss, excuse me miss. Is this uh slow and stupid waitress day?"

bananna.wav(68K) bananna.mp3(68K)

Chuck: "Damn man, reminds me of these chicks back in the war, would give you the old licky licky and then fry your bananna."

grenada.wav(269K) grenada.mp3(269K)

Chuck: "I have seen some bleep man. I have seen some bleep: wake up to the sound of kids screaming, explosions ewerywhere, you never know when your number's up."
Dave: "Ooph' Vietnam huh?"
Chuck: "Grenada man."
Dave: "Greneda, wasn't that like 12 hours long?"

seethat.wav(319K) seethat.mp3(319K)

Chuck: "You see that?"
Dave: "See what?"
Chuck: "That guy, he just gave me a look."
Dave: "That guy? He didn't give you a look."
Chuck: "Yeah, and I'm pretty sure I heard him mutter some kind of anti-semetic remark."
Dave: "Well, are you Jewish?"
Chuck: "I could be, but no. Half Irish, half Italian, half Mexican. Let's go over there and give those guys some tsuris."
Dave: "Well, the guy on the left is blind Chuck."
Chuck: "I here you, he's yours."

blindman.wav(102K) blindman.mp3(102K)

Judge Brenda Daniels: "You cracked a waitress in the face while attempting to steal a blind man's cane?"
Dave's Lawyer Sam: "Uh, your honor, we,re not even sure how blind this man really is."

happynow.wav(20K) happynow.mp3(20K)

Blind Man (Harry Dean Stanton): "Happy now, Ass Wipe?"

harsh.wav(40K) harsh.mp3(40K)

Dave's Lawyer Sam: "Isn't that a bit harsh your honor?"
Judge Brenda Daniels: "No!"
Dave's Lawyer Sam: "Ok."

goodbad.wav(110K) goodbad.mp3(110K)

Dave: "Is this good or bad?"
Dave's Lawyer Sam: "Well, it's bad that he's talking to her, but it's good that uh... No, it's bad. It's all bad."

lair.wav(65K) lair.mp3(65K)

Buddy: "Well, well, well, the lair of the rage rhino. I smell the efluvium of pain and frustration."

music.wav(149K) music.mp3(149K)

Buddy: "I don,t want you listoning to any angry music."
Dave: "The Carpenters are angry? I mean..."
Buddy: "Don't be naive Dave. Close To You, We've Only Just Begun, songs of madness and obsession."

youranger.wav(81K) youranger.mp3(81K)

Buddy: "I'm gonna need for you to retard your anger level a few notches and liston to me. Can you do that?."
Dave: "Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah, it's it's retarded, I'm retarded."

rageenhancing.wav(160K) rageenhancing.mp3(160K)

Buddy: "You may not use rage enhancing substances such as: caffine, nicotine, alcohol, crack cocaine, Slippy-Flippies, Jelly Stingers, Tricky Sticks, Bing Bangs or Flying Willards."
Dave: "How about Fiddle Faddles?"
Buddy: "Under my supervision."

goodguy.wav(101K) goodguy.mp3(101K)

Buddy: "I'm a pretty good guy, and I think you'll be pleasently surprised at how much fun we can have together."
Dave: "Geez, without Slippy-Flippies or angry masturbating. I don't see how that's possible."

sarcasm.wav(44K) sarcasm.mp3(44K)

Buddy: "Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin. From now on, unacceptable."

overeasy.wav(117K) overeasy.mp3(117K)

Dave: "Holy bleep!"
Buddy: "I said over easy!"
Dave: "Now, why did I do that?"
Buddy: "Because I refused to spoon with you last night?"

piehole.wav(29K) piehole.mp3(29K)

Buddy: "Shut your piehole, we're working here!"

ifeelpretty.wav(1069K) ifeelpretty.mp3(1069K)

Dave And Buddy: "(Dave sings "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story.)"

mrhead.wav(43K) mrhead.mp3(43K)

Buddy: "Might I have your first name Mr. Head and tell me it isn't Dick."

brokenose.wav(116K) brokenose.mp3(116K)

Buddy: "Your assistant beat the bejesus out of a flight attendant."
Dave: "No I didn't."
Buddy: "You broke her nose."
Dave: "I broke the cocktail waitresses nose. I mean I accidentally did that."

tas.wav(171K) tas.mp3(171K)

Buddy: "So' why do you feel you have to appologize because you,re suffering from T.A.S.?"
Frank Head (Kurt Fuller): "Um, T.A.S.?"
Buddy: "Toxic Anger Syndrome."
Frank: "Ooh."
Dave: "I don't have T.A.S.."
Buddy: "He's angry. It's a sickness not a crime Fran."
Dave: "His name is Frank!"

bluewhale.wav(145K) bluewhale.mp3(145K)

Buddy: "Well, well, well, this guy's got quite a basket on him."
Dave: "Really, I didn't notice that."
Buddy: "Do you really want the love of your life hanging around with a guy who looks as though he could satisfy a blue whale?"

ladiesroom.wav(65K) ladiesroom.mp3(65K)

Nancy (Lorna Scott): "What are you doing in the ladies' room Dave?"
Dave: "Sorry, I just heard you guys got cleaner seats that us."

undressed.wav(259K) undressed.mp3(259K)

Buddy: "Get undressed."
Dave: "What did you say?"
Buddy: "Take off your clothes. I've got a stress reduction technique I want to show you. It'll be good for you."
Dave: "Take off my clothes! Do you want to see me naked Buddy?"
Buddy: "Are you a homaphobe Dave?"
Dave: "No, I'm a pulling-my-penis-out-in-front-of-you-a-phobe."

wildside.wav(26K) wildside.mp3(26K)

Buddy: "Let's take a walk on the wild side."

ohboy.wav(19K) ohboy.mp3(19K)

Dave: "Oh boy, here we go!"

galaxia.wav(407K) galaxia.mp3(407K)

Dave: "What uh part of Germany do you hail from?"
Galaxia (Woddy Harrelson): "I'm from a little Bavarian villiage called Lickin Zee Dickin. Care to visit?"
Dave: "Actually, I like to spend most of my time in uh Girls Without Wieners-ville. I'm more comfortable there."
Buddy: "He's just not used to male intimacy."
Galaxia: "Well, that's okay, because I'm a lady. Oops, no I'm not."
Dave: "Whoa! There it is okay."
Galaxia: "Whoo! I feel like dancing, dancing. Ahhh!"
Dave: "Oh my god."

shemale.wav(31K) shemale.mp3(31K)

Dave: "I'm not having sex with a she-male relax!"

freaks.wav(34K) freaks.mp3(34K)

Galaxia: "You know what? You guys are freaks."

great.wav(22K) great.mp3(22K)

Dave: "Great! Can I go throw up now?"

hugeballs.wav(128K) hugeballs.mp3(128K)

Dave: "Wasn't that sick? She looked like Olivia Newton John if she was really ugly and had huge balls."

clamchowder.wav(165K) clamchowder.mp3(165K)

Buddy: "Oh, you're all I got Mom. Please don't leave me. No more clam chowder."

thereheis.wav(17K) thereheis.mp3(17K)

Dave: "Oh god, there he is."

batting.wav(397K) batting.mp3(397K)

Dave: "Well' you're batting a thousand in craziness. Now we're bumping into cars."
Buddy: "I'm just making a little room to back up. If I had lost my temper would I have had the presence of mind to leave my card and my insurance information?"
Dave: "Whatever Mr Insane-Vein-Popping-A-Little-Too-Far-Out-Of-His-Head-While-Swinging-The-Bat Guy. I think you've got room to back up."

flirt.wav(212K) flirt.mp3(212K)

Buddy: "I'm not telling you to elope with her Dave. Just go over there and flirt a little bit."
Dave: "Flirting is cheatings' ugly cousin Buddy. I am not a cheater."
Buddy: "Is it considered cheating if you we're passed around the cellblock like a peace pipe? Because, that is what's on the docket if you don't go over there and ask her out. Ok dave?"

buydrink.wav(105K) buydrink.mp3(105K)

Dave: "I was wondering if I could buy you a drink. I mean I see that you have a drink already but, I could get you another one when you're through with that one."
Kendra (Heather Graham): "Bite me!"

rejected.wav(69K) rejected.mp3(69K)

Buddy: "Can you guess why she rejected you Dave?"
Dave: "Because she wanted to be like the 2000 other girls who used to say that to me growing up?"

verbatim.wav(153K) verbatim.mp3(153K)

Buddy: "Just go over there and repeat the following verbatim: I'm sorry I was so rude before but. it's difficult for me to express myself when I'm on the verge or exploding in my pants."

releaseme.wav(171K) releaseme.mp3(171K)

Dave: "So, if I repeat that crazy bleep that you probably stole from a porno flick, you sick bastard and get rejected, you will release me from the program?"
Buddy: "Exactly!"
Dave: "Here we go."

tooskinny.wav(197K) tooskinny.mp3(197K)

Kendra: "So now I'm too skinny for you?"
Dave: "No no no no no, I didn't mean that."
Kendra: "Is this what you want Dave?"
Dave: "No."
Kendrra: "If I put on a few pounds, will you be able to stifle your vomit long enough to have sex with me?"
Dave: "Holy bleep."
Kendra: "Are you such a hot stud that you're gonna break me in two?"

itoldher.wav(131K) itoldher.mp3(131K)

Buddy: "What else could I do?"
Dave: "What else could you do? You could've told her something else: I was at the bank, I was at the store, H ate some bad guacamole and I couldn't stop bleepting! Any yone of those would've been fine!"

toldmetodo.wav(34K) toldmetodo.mp3(34K)

Dave: "I just did what you told me to do you sick demented man!"

testical.wav(110K) testical.mp3(110K)

Dave: "She doesn't know any Andreas. Do you mean Andrew?"
Buddy: "Yeah, that's it, Andrew, the testical with legs."
Dave: "The testical with legs, Great!"

hum.wav(88K) hum.mp3(88K)

Buddy: "Hum a little "I Feel Pretty"."
Dave: "No! How about you hum me "I'm a crazy bleephole song", and take me home you psychotic piece of wacko."

wereeven.wav(23K) wereeven.mp3(23K)

Arnie Shankman (John C. Reilly): "Now we're even buttlick!"

monks.wav(68K) monks.mp3(68K)

Dave: "It's just that monks they talk bleep but, they can't back it up."

rockathim.wav(86K) rockathim.mp3(86K)

Chuck: "So the guy asked me for change..."
Lou: "Uh huh?"
Chuck: "I laughed in his face. He cursed at me. H took a wiz on him. What else could I do?"
Nate: "You should have tossed a rock at him."

calmeddown.wav(269K) calmeddown.mp3(269K)

Nate: "Look at you Lou, you really have calmed down since working with Dr. B."
Lou: "We all have."
Neighbor (Sydney Ganis): "Hey fellas, culd you please bring it down a little bit? We,re trying to have dinner and the walls are really thin."
Nate Lou and Chuck: "(Yell incoherantly at the neighbor.)"
Dave: "Goosfraba! Goosfraba!"
Nate Lou and Chuck: "Goosfraba."

enormis.wav(185K) enormis.mp3(185K)

Dave: "Let me ask you guys something. Because of your profession, you probably have seen a lot of them. Does size count at all or is that just some wierd thing guys think about?"
Stacy: "Alright, you see, this is where Gina and I always get into a heated debate. I like them when they'e really big."
Gina: "and I think it,s better when they're enormis"

ragecontrol.wav(79K) ragecontrol.mp3(79K)

Dave: "You know uh, I'd like to talk to you alone for a second. There's a rage control technique I'd like to go over with you right now."

backstabbing.wav(54K) backstabbing.mp3(54K)

Dave: "You are the biggest back stabbing piece of crap I ever met."
Buddy: "What are you saying?"

contained.wav(227K) contained.mp3(227K)

Buddy: "Now the situation is contained. You and I control the game."
Dave: "How?"
Buddy: "I will be uncharacteristically agressively boring. I keep talking about myself, acting arrogant and obnoxious, when Linda sees what the dating world is really like, then guess who comes out smelling like a white mushroom?"

bowdown.wav(53K) bowdown.mp3(53K)

Buddy: "When you hear what happened, yoe're gonna bow down and worship me like a god."

kiss.wav(250K) kiss.mp3(250K)

Buddy: "One second we're fighting and the next second we're laughing and then just a quick ten second kiss."
Dave: "I thought you said five seconds."
Buddy: "First it was a five second one and then a little break because my beard gave her a tickle. She's cute. and then a ten second frencher."
Dave: "You had your crazy caroded tounge in my girlfriends' mouth?"

news.wav(175K) news.mp3(175K)

Buddy: "I,ve got some good news for you and some potentially upsetting news. First the good news: I'm gonna sign your papers, you're a free man."
Dave: "Uh huh, let me hear the potentially upsetting news."
Buddy: "Linda and I have fallen for one another."

intheroom.wav(145K) intheroom.mp3(145K)

Dave: "I've been getting your coffee, and doing your work for you for five years now, and when a good position actually opens up, you give it to the biggest dick in the world."
Andrew (Allen Covert): "I don't know about the biggest in the world, but it's definitely the biggest in the room."

okay.wav(384K) okay.mp3(384K)

Dave: "Now, when I started here. I was promised advancement opportunities, and breaking that promise, to me, is unacceptable. You see, I golf also. You should bring m sometime. So, when I get out of jail, sometime within the next two to five years, I expect you to do the right thing, and give me the position that Andrew just resigned from."
Frank: "Okay."
Dave: "Good."

goingcrazy.wav(123K) goingcrazy.mp3(123K)

Lou: "Davey's oing crazy."
Chuck: "Hey, I've done crazier stuff than that to win back a chick. Once I ran naked through a subway station."
Nate: "How was that supposed to work?"
Chuck: "I guess I never really thought it through."

sweettackle.wav(112K) sweettackle.mp3(112K)

Croud: "(Gasps in awe at Dave being taken out by Robert Merrill)"
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani (Himself): "Ooh! Sweet tackle."
Nate: "Oh' Dave just got leveled, Yeah!"
Robert Merrill (Himself): "Nobody messis with my microphone."

youcandoit.wav(67K) youcandoit.mp3(67K)

Mayor Giuliani: "You can do it David... Give her a five second frencher!"

jokeonus.wav(35K) jokeonus.mp3(35K)

Lou: "Dr. B., Davey just pulled a joke on us!"