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Henry Roth (Adam Sandler): "I don't think that's an option, Lisa."
Red Head (Virginia Reece): "Linda."
Henry: "I know. I changed your name for your protection."

Ula (Rob Schneider): "Sharks are like dogs. They only bite when you touch their private parts."

Ula: "What? I don't smoke weed."

Ula: "How's that hot wahine nympho from Ohio, uhu?"
Henry: "She's great. I dropped her off at the airport this morning."
Ula: "Oh, come on, I need some details. You get some booby, some assy, a pull on your poi-poi? Come on."

Ula's Kid (Tache Uesugi): "Daddy, what's a nympho?"
Ula: "Oh, the nympho is the state bird of Ohio."
Ula's Kids: "Oh."
Henry: "You're the state idiot of Hawaii."

Ula: "You'll be stuck here waking up next to the same old ugly broad, just like Ula. Just kidding, guys."
Ula's Kid: "About the old part or the ugly part?"

Henry: "Damn it! Are you kidding me?"

Nick (Nephi Pomaikai Brown): "Hey. You like the peanut butter cup?"
Henry: "Uh, yes."
Nick: "You want for me to put peanut butter cups in your eggs?"
Henry: "No, that's okay."
Nick: "Peanut butter cups."

Old Hawaiian Man (Joe Nakashima): "Are you staring at me or her? 'Cause you're starting to freak me out."

Alexa (Lusia Strus): "I thought you like your bitches from out of state."

Alexa: "I hope you shot the stupid tramp."
Henry: "Whoa, whoa, what's with the 'tramp' and the 'bitches' talk? Are you drink or something?"
Alexa: "I apologize for nasty talk. I am grouchy due to lack of recent physical intimacy."

Alexa: "Shut up, because here comes one-time-only opportunity. What I will do now is go into your office and become naked. Next move is up to you. I may not be as limber as I once was but I make up for it with enthusiasm and willingness to experiment. Huh? (cracks her neck)"
Henry: "I don't know if you realize, I'm not into guys."

Nick: "Hey, Mr. Peanut Butter Cups."
Henry: "Hey, Mr. Could-Kill-Me-in-One-Punch. How you doing?"
Nick: "You're back."
Henry: "Yeah, couldn't get enough of that Spam. Why don't you fry some up and throw some eggs on top of it for me."
Nick: "You got it."

Lucy Whitmore (Drew Barrymore): "So, are you an architect?"
Henry: "I am not. I'm in fish."
Lucy: "Oh, that's where the smell is coming from."
Henry: "Yeah, yeah, I was feeding a walrus this morning and I thought I got most of it off of me, but, uh, guess I didn't."

Henry: "I had a, uh, bee on me."
Lucy: "Alright."
Henry: "He was a big one."

Old Hawaiian Man: "Look at those two bleepheads."

Henry: "That is the stupidest-looking swing I've ever seen."
Ula: "I'm gonna take a Molokai on that one."

Henry: "That is the stupidest-looking swing I've ever seen."

Ula: "You kids suck. You're good at everything."
Henry: "The Father of the Year strikes again."

Ula: "I met this sexy, blond tax attorney at Starbucks today."
Henry: "Uh-huh."
Ula: "I told her you the kahuna she wanna have fun on this island."
Henry: "Uh-huh."
Ula: "You want her number?"
Henry: "You pimping tourists for me again, Ula?"
Ula: "Yes! I live vicariously through you, remember? My life sucks."

Ula: "Now, come on. Give her the Waikikiki sneaky between the cheeky."

Caddy (Peter Chen): "I wouldn't surf with a bleeding wound like that. You might attract a shark or something."
Ula: "What's wrong with that, cuz? Sharks are naturally peaceful."
Caddy: "Is that right? How'd you get that nasty cut, anyway?"
Ula: "A shark bit me."

Henry: "Now, will everybody keep it down while I whack the crap out of this thing?"

Henry: "Sit. Stay. Bleep. No!"

Henry: "What happened?"
Ula: "Your ball hooked into that cart, bounced back and hit you in the head. It was frickin' hilarious."

Henry: "My fingers are extra fishy today if you care to take a whif."
Lucy: "What was that?"
Henry: "I was petting my walrus all morning and I was thinking about you the whole time."

Lucy: "And you don't look a day over 25."
Marlin Whitmore (Blake Clark): "Yeah, right. and Doug's muscles aren't pharmaceutically enhanced."
Doug Whitmore (Sean Astin): "What aro you talking about? I use an herb supplement that can be purchased at any health-food store. Check this out. Check out these glutes. Rock-hard, baby. Pretty sweet, huh?"
Marlin: "Stop it! You're gonna make me throw up on the cake."

Marlin: "Okay, okay, okay, enough with the titty dance!"

Henry: "There's only one problem with that."
Ula: "What is?"
Henry: "It's evil."

Ula: "You meet her, hang out, flirt, no commitment, nobody gets hurt."
Henry: "She's got brain damage, you psycho!"
Ula: "Okay, I'll give you that one."

Ula: "But I think it'd be healthy for you, Honah Lee. You haven't allowed yourself to connect with a girl for many years."
Henry: "I appreciate your interest, Oprah, but leave me alone."

Henry: "See, I'm not sure about the Poofing part, becausing I'm not a good poofer. Could you demonstrate a good poof for me?"
Ula: "Quit busting my coconuts for five seconds."

Henry: "Wou... Would you stop poofing on that joint and start do some work?"

Nick: "This ain't a disco. She doesn't want guys hitting on her while she has her breakfast."
Henry: "She does if it's Henry Roth."
Nick: "Who dat?"
Henry: "Who dat? Me dat."

Old Hawaiian Man: "Can I have that? I need something to wipe my ass with."
Henry: "Ha, ha, ha, shut up."

Lucy: "I wonder what's the matter with him?"
Old Hawaiian Man: "Looks like a stupid bleephole to me."

Henry: "So I comes before the E, except after C?"
Lucy: "Yes."
Henry: "Okay, and C is that little half a squiggly one, right?"
Lucy: "Yes."
Henry: "I think I'm getting it."

Doug: "I could have whooped his ass, daddy, but, uh, I... this gravel, I slipped on it and..."
Marlin: "Yeah, well, maybe, you need to do a few more butt flexes."
Doug: "Cheap shot, Dad."

Henry: "Hey, Alexa, did you ever hook up with that girl from the bar the other night?"
Alexa: "I chickened out."
Henry: "Really?"
Alexa: "Yeah, I don't know. I guess I prefer sausage to taco."

Henry: "Let me ask you something, Alexa. If you made a promise to a girl's dad that you would not see her anymore would you consider that like a binding promise?"
Alexa: "Absolutely."
Henry: "Yeah?"
Alexa: "But then again, there are always ways around such things."
Henry: "Like?"
Alexa: "For example, if I promised a woman's father I would not see her, I would simply shut my eyes while she servced my manhood."
Henry: "That's actually a cool way to look at it. And a very gross way."

Henry: "(Jump starting the car he screams as if being electrocuted and then she screams) I can't believe you fell for that."
Lucy: "Well, mp grandfather died trying to jump-start a car."
Henry: "Oh... I'm sorry. I... I was just joking around."
Lucy: "I can't believe you fell for that!"

Ula: "Okay, haole, what do you think? You can come to this island, eat our pineapple..."
Henry: "Help me! Ow, not so hard. Take it easy."
Ula: "Try to bang our women. Making my sister clean your hotel room."
Henry: "Okay. What does that have to do with this? Relax. Hey! Hey! Help me, please!"
Ula: "Stupid haole!"
Lucy: "(she hits Ula with a bat) Yeah, that's right. Take that! And that! And that! And that! And that!"

Ula: "Oh, you crazy bitch!"
Lucy: "Yeah, keep running!"
Henry: "Okay, okay, he's... He's gone now."

Henry: "I'm seeing a whole new side of you, sir. I've gotta tell you, it's grossing me out."

Henry: "It's gonna be alright, Luce."
Lucy: "Don't call me Luce, I barely know you."
Marlin: "Sweetie, you're sort of dating him."
Lucy: "Wha..."
Henry: "Sorry I'm not better looking."

Security Guard #1 (Peter Dante): "Hey, Lucy, good to see you again. What the hell's her problem?"
Security Guard #2 (Dom Magwili): "She doesn't remember who you are, brah."
Security Guard #1: "Oh, yeah. I suck at this job"

Security Guard #1: "I suck at this job."

Doug: "Um, listen, doctor, this friend of mine's been experimenting a little with steroids. And, uh, he's been having a lot of wet dreams. Could there be a connection between those two?"
Dr. Keats: "Douglas, get off the juice. And as far as the nocternal emissions, why don't you take a swim, buy a shirt with no holes, find a beautiful wahine and take her to dinner."
Doug: "I'll tell my friend you said so."

Dr. Keats: "Douglas, get off the juice."

Ten Second Tom (Allen Covert): "Hi. I'm Tom."
Henry: "Henry."
Marlin: "Marlin."
Doug: "Doug"
Lucy: "Lucy"
Ten Second Tom: "Hi. Oh, those are cool flip-flops. Where'd you get 'em?"
Doug: "You like those? It's an interesting story. I was on the North Shore the other day..."
Ten Second Tom: "Hi, I'm Tom."
Henry: "Huh, uh, Henry."
Ten Second Tom: "Hi."
Marlin: "Marlin."
Dre Keats: "Tom lost part of his brain in a hunting accident. His memory only lasts 10 seconds."
Ten Second Tom: "I was in an accident? That's terrible."
Dr. Keats: "Don't worry. You'll totally get over it in about three seconds."
Ten Second Tom: "Get over it? I mean, what happeneh? Did I get shot in the brain? I... Hi, I'm Tom."
Lucy: "Hi' I'm Lucy."
Ten Second Tom: "Hi."
Doug: "Doug."
Ten Second Tom: "Hey."
Marlin: "Marlin."

Henry: "I'm acctually going on a trip in a little while to study undersea pacific walrus behaviors."
Doug: "Sounds kinda fruity."
Henry: "Thank you."

Doug: "You want a broken head, huh, smart guy?"
Marlin: "Why, you gonna give it to him?"
Doug: "No, daddy, I thought you was gonna do it."
Henry: "Nobody's gotta break my head, guys. I'm gonna split anyways."
Marlin: "No, don't go just because my son is psychotic."

Ula: "Aquariums make me super horney."
Henry: "That's not funny. Don't rub those. I'm sorry, Mr. Whitmore, if you're watching. It's very late, and my friend is a little unstable. Oh come on, stop with the licking! You making me sick. Lucy, I'm sorry."

Stacy (Maya Rudolph): "So every day you help her to realize what happened and you wait patiently for her to be okay with it, then you get her to fall in love with you again?"
Henry: "Yes, ma'am."
Stacy: "Gosh. (she smacks her boyfriend) You bleephole! You don't even open the frickin' car door for me anymore."

Lucy: "Nothing beats a first kiss."
Henry: "That's what I've heard."

Lucy: "What are you doing?"
Henry: "Nothing. I was just getting some lint off for you."
Lucy: "You were going for a feelski."
Henry: "Alright, I'm sorry, but this is like the 23rd time we've made out already and they're getting blue."
Lucy: "I know. I know. I mean, I really don't know. For me it still fuuls like the first time."
Henry: "Okay, let's average it out then. It's the 23rd time for me and the first time for you. That's about our 12th time."
Lucy: "Yeah?"
Henry: "No, Hawaiian law clearly states after the 12th date I'm entitled to ulimited boob access."

Henry: "("Forgetful Lucy" Written by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert and Tim Herlihy)"

Henry: "How's my temporal lobe looking there, doc?"
Dr. Keats: "Don't worry. You're not gonna suffer any short-term memory loss. But was your head shaped like an egg before she hit you?"
Doug: "Hey, don't make fun of Henry! Alright? It's not his fault it's shaped like that!"
Dr. Keats: "Note the intense overreaction. That's the 'roids' talking. Doug, once again, off the juice."
DOug: "It's not juice. It's a protein shake."

Dr. Keats: "All I know about walruses is that out of all mammals, they have the second-largest penis. I have the first."
Henry: "That's my joke."

Lucy: "You had plans and a life before you met me and now all you have time for is to make me fall in love with you every day."
Henry: "That's not all I do. I gave a penguin a bath today."

Henry: "It's not all about how long you go. It's, you know, there was a connection, I thought."

Henry: "Remember to use a condom or in your case a hefty bag."

Ula: "Honah Lee, (speaking Hawaiian)"
Henry: "Thank you, buddy. What does that mean, again?"
Ula: "Bring me back a T-shirt."

Ula: "Now, you kids go down there and find my nuts. Oh."

Henry: "The Beach Boys? How nice of that man to give me a CD that will remind me of all the wonderful times I shared with his daughter. What an bleephole! (Singing along with The Beach Boys "Wouldn't it Be Nice") Why? Why would you do this to me? You sick bastard!"

Patient: "Holy crap, I suck."

Ula: "Do you, Honah Lee, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife to have and to hold from this day forth as long as you both shall live?"
Henry: "I do."
Ula: "Really? Even though in, like, 10, 15 years she could possibly let herself go and then, like sex could be, like, nauseating for you?"